If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
lmfao come on
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”