I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”