always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
respect
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do