Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
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Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*