Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year