*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
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Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk