Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”