me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
birds and squirrels envy us
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile