[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
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I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]