Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.