Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”