My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
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[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.