“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin