how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
When you don’t understand how floors work
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
This fish is cracking me up
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
🤔😂😂
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.