Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.