An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Every BBC series about the universe.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer