finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
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Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
These are my roll models.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy