sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Give a baker flours on your first date.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen