#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.