Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
japanese corn
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.