We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Same post same
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.