Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my nickname in college
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Terribly Tuesday.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*