Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Botany good plants lately?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.