Cake!!
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My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.