Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]