and now we wait
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok