My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You Might Also Like
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’