I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Breaking news:
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop