Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
How to draw a duck
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU