I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Hero horse inspires millions
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.