Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
this makes me so uncomfortable
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
She: I like Cats
He:
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.