I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?