Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.