Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Never let them know your next move 😂
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…