Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
*weighs self after shaving
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
#growingpains
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”