date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble