A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
You have been warned.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.