NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
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It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
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“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Husband of the year 😂
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
who wore it better?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.