[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
this could fix me
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell