doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
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Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Damn he played himself
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
the clam before the storm
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.