Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I hate my earbuds.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.