I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
bought wrong eggs
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”