me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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Extremely relatable.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.