Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.