I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.