I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving