Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
dude it’s called proctologist
Flock of bats
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.