I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Banana is the quietest snack
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
yall want some gasoline milk
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home