As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.