On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
You Might Also Like
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.